Enlightly

"It is dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.Yes, feel lightly even though you are feeling deeply.
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.
I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig.
Lightly, lightly – it's the best advice ever given me.
When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic.
No rhetoric, no tremolos, no self-conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell.
And of course, no theology, no metaphysics.
Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light.
So, throw away your baggage and go forward.
There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear, self-pity, and despair.
That's why you must walk so lightly.
Lightly my darling, on tiptoes and no luggage,
not even a sponge bag, completely unencumbered.”

Aldous Huxley

Should I even write a blogpost inspired by this, to the shadiest light adjusting, life's advice? How to hold the pen so lightly that it does communicate but does not suffocate? Smothering streams of endless consciousness with words loaded with repeated, unquestioned, unshattered, taken to be more than what it is, unlived-through meaning? Even these questions seem to weigh on my shoulders, pressing the pen on the imagined paper, disacknowledging the heightened weight of life already imbued in the imagined trees cut down to produce that same paper. Does the world need more meaning than it intrinsically has - is? How often has the seeking of aliveness surpassed the casually carried experience as such?

Often times torn between a fixated seriousness and childish playfulness, searching for the tone of life suiting all the curves, upheavals, secret dances in the darkness, including the longed for rush which our pain reveals. Huxley’s words are quite painful, reminding me of how pleasure and pain can reveal themselves to be nontangible. A lesson romantic love more than any other reflect back on our yearning hearts, hearts grasping for someone always out of reach since the source is to be found the other way around.

If anything, I want to hold my love lightly. Symbolized by letting go of my anguish projected upon the lover’s firing passion in my physical, restless home, letting them walk their own path, enjoying the crossing of our roads but never demanding them to be merged into a one-way street. How I love them so deeply and yet try to love them so lightly reflects how all the seriousness, dreadfulness and even injustice in the world cannot defy the absolute answer death gives to our questioning, at times bargaining, of the meaning of life.

However painful the acknowledgement that I will never hold the lovers like I hold the pen at any time supposedly needed, I rest this daunting case by falling in love with the image of being a source of light to all of them. The readers and the lovers.

Dancing my way into the vibers of the paper, rooting life’s energy in such a way that it is easily transforms in new, fresh flowering of open-ended narratives.... Love another so lightly that it nourishes them into loving anybody else passing through their heart, even those far away or those dauntingly close by. Do not weigh their awareness with your suffering, Lot. Let them thrive in the unmistakable complexity life is anyhow, anyway. Don't get in the way of light yearning to pass through, vitalizing life beyond skinned boundaries. Do not create a wall with your words, theories, judgements, unfulfilled needs, asynchronous development, human suffering. Be transparent.

Lightly dear, you have taught me to love lightly. Thank you for being so unapologetically bright.